I guess I should have be more realistic. I used to blog with lots of blogrings of ppl i knew. Roommates, college friends, classmate. And I used to get a few comments here or there, even if just from my roomie while i was in the room with her.

Now i have an anonymous blog, and a blog ring full of people I dont know except for that we have some common interest - hence being in  the same ring. I guess I though people would read my blog, comment, I would comment back, and from there perhaps form a bit of a pseudo friendship slash support group slash blog buddy kind of thing. You know, the occasional pat on the back or pick me up via weblog, an aknowledgement that every now and them someone reads this and maybe has a though or argument or bit o advice.

Well, I was dead wrong about all that clearly, as I have not had one single unsolicited comment on this thing ever, even if its just been a week. I read other peoples, comment, but I guess I get nothing.

Just a though...

College students moving back equals loud drunks outsside. I want a bottle of wine and a good cry. I wish Kate was home even though i would just be mean to her...

It's pretty much a normal day in kitty-ville, wrestle mania under the quilt. Just got home from taking kate back to camp and once again i am wallowing is self pity about work. I hate it. I hate my job, truly. Its such a conflicting situation, I know I can be good at this job, and that a year from now I will love it. But right now I am miserable, and thats not going to change anytime soon. I wont feel comfortable for a year or two they say, and right now I feel completely stupid everyday. Every instinct I have is wrong, I ask for help and they say to look it up, I take to long to do something because I am looking it up and someone tells me what to do just to hurry me along. I miss what the officers are saying which is dangerous, what if they tell me they are arresting someone and I miss it and then suddenly there is a shoot out. My trainer says I take criticism poorly. I think I take 8 hours of critism for 4 months straight just about as well as I can. I cant quit, it took me months to get this job and it pays enough to start me on my feet again, i am in massive debt. but i hate it, i want to die when I am there, just crawl in a corner and die. I find myself thinking about it constantly, quitting, and then not being able to pay bills, how miserable it will feel to go back tomorrow, i've never felt this bad in my entire life. i dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt anyone, or leave my kitty-boys alone, or someone else with my debt, i just want a way out. a way to support myself and my family and not be miserable, and well, suicidal. because i guess thats what i am, thats what you call someone who fantasizes about dying, who wants to give up, who cant stant they very idea of getting out of bed, leving the house, breathing. i want to come home, get drunk, and just keep slipping away and never have to think about life again. no work. no kate going back to england. no bills and 800 numbers. no trainers telling me i am wrong, no radio traffic, no emergency calls from stupid people who think a guy peeing on their house is an emergency, no more feeling stupid and overwelmed and unaccomplished. i hate my life, i hate being this depressed, i know i need help and i dont know where to get it. i guess i am just done

Um food...

no time to eat, well, actually there was time for fast food nad junk but i had none. a couple smoothies, on green smoothie, a banana berry one, and then kate brought me dinner at work, a chicken wrap from applebees, luckily she got there during a good hour and i was able to eat in peace. an hour later i was dreaming about sinking into my chair, and hour after that i was crying in front everyone while my trainier lectured me on eveyrhting i was dong wrong followed by a lecture on stress managment and how i would get better eventually ie a year from now if i dont quit or kill myself by them. both likely options after a day like today.

oh a kate says she has been having dreams about me leaving her. great.